Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Oh, the accusations!

When one goes through a divorce the friends and family of the couple feel that they have to choose sides. It's inevitable no matter what you say to them. Most will walk away, some will become distant and then there are the others. These are the ones that pretend to be supportive of you but then as soon as they are not in your company get on the phone with others and play the "Did you hear...." game.

I'm a strong person, at least that is what I keep trying to tell myself. However, you never really know how strong you are until your hand is forced. I also try not to let what others say about me affect me, but again it's inevitable because things really can slip in and force you to be uncomfortable. And then there are the accusations, oh how I love these. There are some people going around saying "well you don't know her like I know her", or "She isn't what she portrays herself to be". So I've decided to tell you what you want to know and what you will take and twist around to make me look bad, and you know what that is ok because none of us is perfect. I figure at the end of this if you choose to be my friend then I know who my "true" friends are. It just weeds the friend list out a little quicker.

1. I have bipolar disorder. There I have confessed to the world that I have a chemical imbalance that for years I tried to deny. Guess what though, I quit denying it and I am now medicated and stable.

2. I smoke. Yep I do. This is my form of self medication. This is what got me through all of the years I was in denial about my bipolar.

3. I smoked while I was pregnant. Go ahead and kick me while I'm down. I know this was wrong and I know I will one day have to answer to God for this. However, even though I was too WEAK to quit smoking during those times, how dare you tell me "You didn't love your kids enough". I won't make excuses for it wrong is wrong but you don't know how much I do love my kids.

4. For a lot of years my house was dirty, yep dirty. I have never been the best housekeeper and probably never will. But I invite you to come on over and see the changes that I have made, except for the playroom that I can guarantee you will always be a wreck, I'm slowly getting better. A lot of this probably has to do with my depression.

5. My children have run outside in the rain in their underwear, I've brought them right back in, but apparently this makes me a neglectful mother.

Feel free to add anything you think I have missed. Apparently my life is an open book. But, I want you to know this, from this second on,  I DON'T CARE! I don't care what you have to say about me, to me, or to friends. That will just show your true colors. I'm not a perfect person and I never will be, but day by day I'm making changes to improve myself. Oh and do me a favor, ask my kids if they feel neglected or unloved.

If after knowing all of my dirty little secrets you still wish to be a part of my life, thank you. And for those of you who don't I wish you all the best.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Bath day at the Todd house

Why is it no matter what I say or do, the splashing must occur for every bath? I typically put my 3 younger kiddo's in the bath together because it saves time. Well, they think its Disneyland at that time and all you can hear is splash, splash, splash, giggle, giggle, giggle. Ok, So I have to admit the giggles are pretty cute. Although, the Mommy that walks out of the bathroom looks like a drowned rat.

But, I'm thankful! How blessed am I to hear those giggles. My kids are growing up so fast and one day I won't have the opportunity to hear those giggles all the time. One day they will go off on their journey's whether it be college, military or whatever and I will miss these special times that we have.

We went to the park today, thankfully its a block away from us so the kids all rode their bikes while Isabella ran. Of course, with camera in hand I followed. We had a great time and it was great to see my kids so happy riding their bikes in circles a million times. I don't even think that they played at the playground because they were having so much fun with their bikes. Another memory I will treasure.

All in all it has been a great day!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Time to unwind

Today was all around a pretty decent day. I got up this morning and did my usual "Force Dylan to get ready for school" routine. And then I got to hang out with my other 3 for the rest of the day. I was able to get some housework done, that in itself is a challenge. I ran by our other house to make sure everything is ok and locked up since we are in the "hurry up and wait for a renter" mode. Our life can be hectic but you know I wouldn't change it for the world. I love watching my kids live. I love being able to talk about their days and who said what and why at school. I LOVE that Dylan has a good friend he can play with now and invites him over all the time now. Dylan is looking forward to his very first sleepover this weekend. I'm excited for him because he has never had a friend that he could relate to because of his asperger's. So of course Mommy has to go out and buy all the necessary junk food and such for this sleepover.

So it's been a good day, but a long one. That is why I included my slippers and a cup of coffee. I really am enjoying some wind down time. Even on good days I just need some time to relax. So cheers to you and I hope you get some down time to relax too.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

serenity and peace

We are always looking for it aren't we? In the craziness of my life I rarely ever get to stop and enjoy the world around me. I have decided to change that. So from now on where ever I go my camera goes with me. I'm going to start appreciating the things I always took for granted. I'm going to capture those moments so that when I get to a point where things feel hopeless I can look back and reflect on the beauty of life.

Tonight as I was taking a moment to clear my head from the screaming and fighting of children this is what I saw. I ran back into the house to grab my camera. How beautiful is this picture? It reminded me to be grateful of those things I take for granted. My children, family, my home and many other things. I realize that just like this moon will be gone tomorrow, the possibility is there for everything else to be gone as well.

Thank you God for opening my eyes at a time when I so desperately needed it.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Time with my girl

This is my baby girl, although not such a baby any more. Kirstyn is the sweetest little girl you could ever meet (most of the time), of course I'm biased. Kirstyn just turned 9 years old in December and it's hard for me to believe that she has grown up so fast. With six kids in the house its hard for us to get some one on one time. Tonight I got that one on one time with her but unfortunately its because she was in tears. Litterally sobbing. So we went up to her room and cuddled on her bed and talked. She got upset because she didn't get the gum she wanted when she went to the store with her Dad, but in all fairness he gave her a choice of a few different kinds but she didn't like the flavors.
Kirstyn joined the drama club at school and today she was upset that she didn't get the part she wanted. My girl is an emotional wreck these days and unfortunately I know what that means. Hormones! Every girls worst nightmare. I just pray that God will give me the words and the patience to help her get through this time.
I love you sweet girl, and I will always be here for you!!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

The things I can't say yet.

There is so much going on in my life, yet I can't talk about it. I can't deal with it and I definitely can't heal yet. I wish that things were simple, yet they're not. Things I thought were forever aren't. Now I find myself making plans and I feel like I'm swimming upstream. I don't know if I'm making the right decisions, and I can't ask opinions because I can't talk to anyone yet. It's really not fair that I have been put in to this position.

They say life isn't fair, heck, I say that to my kids all the time but what gives people the right to say that. I look around at different people and I wonder if they realize how good they have it. I see the choices and decisions they make and I think to myself  "If only I had those options, I would....". It's not my life though, so who am I to say. So for now I will keep holding on to faith and my kiddo's and hope that the day comes soon where I can let all this out.

I will end with this "Never take anything for granted, ANYTHING!".

Saturday, January 7, 2012

The things I swore I would never say to my kids

You always hear other parents say random things to their kids and in the back of your head you think "Oh I would never say that to my kids". Yes, Well I was completely wrong so here is my list.

10. You are 10 years old quit throwing yourself on the ground and throwing a tantrum.
9. Don't eat out of the trash can, ( seriously)
8. Quit drinking my coffee, it will stunt your growth! ( I'm 5'8 and it didn't stunt mine)
7. Kirstyn quit kissing your posters of Justin Bieber
6. You will bust your head open if you keep doing that.
5. Don't sit on your brother's head you will suffocate him.
4. If you don't take your medicine I will take you to the hospital to get a shot (like that's going to happen)
3. You are grounded for life.
2. Mommy, needs a time out. (how do you put yourself in timeout?)

and the kicker my absolute favorite:
1. Shut your mouth and eat!!! ( how in the heck is that possible?????)

So there you have it, my top 10 things.